3 Flaws in Conventional Parenting

Here is some conventional parenting advice:
Good kids don't suddenly go bad. Drug abuse, irresponsible and early sex, and teen opposition to authority are all preventable acts.
The examples chosen are telling. What, in particular, constitutes a teenager "going bad"? Drugs, sex, and disobedience. Comments on each follow:

I don't like recreational drugs. I think they are bad. But it's not the end of the world if someone smokes some pot. It's common, and arguably better than getting drunk. It's definitely not true that a child has "gone bad" if he tries some drugs. Lots of the parents reading this advice tried drugs when they were younger, and don't consider themselves to be ruined because of it.

If teens have sex, it's ridiculous to say they have gone bad. Our culture values sex very highly. Why shouldn't they want to have this thing which is held up as one of the best parts of life? Adults are the hypocrites here. They teach that sex is good, then they tell young people not to do it. Why not? Because that's slutty. Because sex is only for married people. Because young people "aren't ready". And so on. But there are no actual reasons on this list. What preparation do young people lack? What about marriage makes sex work better? Calling youthful sex "slutty", and therefore bad, is just labeling without giving a reason.

What's going on regarding sex is that our culture believes that as great as sex is, it's also sinful, unless there are special circumstances (marriage) which justify the sex. This is a horrible way to approach life which is very good at hurting people. It tells teens that sex is great, but then rebukes them if they try it. It tells people to enjoy sex, but to feel bad about having sex. It's created a culture where words like "slut" and "nympho" mean something. People are hateful towards girls who have and enjoy sex, while simultaneously being jealous.

Add to this that young people are considered most attractive, and also pressured most strongly to avoid sex, and you have a recipe for hurting children. But how do parents react? By blaming children who have sex as having "gone bad". That's so unfair. Teens are put in an impossible situation, and then somehow the whole thing is blamed on their age.

Lastly we have opposition to authority. This, we are told, is preventable. What would that mean? That teens obey without question and without independent thought. Obey who? Authorities of all types: parents, teachers, priests, government officials, even experts with PhDs.

This highlights one of the major clashes between conventional parenting and reason. Parents wanted their children to "listen" (obey), whereas reason says we should discover the truth and do that. Parents want to assume they are right, instead of finding out what is right. This is a way of entrenching error -- if they make a mistake, it won't be corrected.

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A Good Marriage Involves Going Through Hell

http://www.marriagemax.com/tip.asp
The people I know who have the best marriages are people who went through hell in their relationship. They "got over" their past because they used it as a catalyst to IMPROVE their situation. In other words, the painful events inspired them to change themselves and their marriage.
Why get married if it's probably going to hurt you?

Maybe there are some answers to that question. But when people decide to get married, they don't first answer the question. They don't face the issue. They just assume it won't happen to them because they are in love. That's not rational. The people who get hurt felt in love, too, and it didn't help them. You need to think of a genuine reason your situation is different, or it's not reasonable to believe that it is.

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Marriage Problems are Amazingly Predictable

How predictable? You can record them, one-size-fits-all, on audio CDs:
Your program is a no brainer if you just think about it...the CD's explain in full color what we have been doing to each other.
Isn't it amazing that marriages cause the participants to hurt each other in such standardized and predictable ways? But what's worse is that when people marry, they think this won't happen to them. That's unreasonable. They should consider marriage dangerous because it hurts many people, and should find a defense against these problems.

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Marriage Hurts

Marriage hurt all these people. There are lots lots of comments like:
We have been married 8.5 years and have been in counseling almost seven years.
So, most of their time together has been messed up enough that they wanted counseling. By the way, marriage counseling is unpleasant, stay away.

Here is another type of comment where someone finds his or her spouse does not even want to try anymore:
My husband wanted a divorce. I was out of hope ... I registered for the lone ranger track ... There I was wanting to save my marriage and my husband could care less. I wondered how a marriage could be saved when only one partner was willing to participate.
And this is how much marriages can hurt people:
We've been married for 15 years, have four children and were on the brink of divorce. The emotional pain I had inside was so bad it was almost a physical pain.
(And the person goes on to talk about how this was hurting her children and her heart was broken.)

And consider this:
I am blown away with how far we have come in just 10 weeks. Everything is different. My husband and I are more in love now than we were on our wedding day. 10 weeks ago I couldn't stand being in the same room with him and today I know with all my heart that we will be together forever. Divorce will never be an option for us.
When they got married they were sure it would work. Now that they've experienced marriage failing, perhaps they should be a little less confident. A little more cautious and thoughtful. But, no, very quickly they are back to feeling completely sure that their relationship is special, and they won't divorce.

What's especially interesting to me is that you can take people who hate to be in the same room, and you can get them to fall madly in love within a few weeks. That's how shallow love is: you can create it, quickly, even between people who hate each other. And you can tell it's the real thing, because they act like it. They feel nothing could ever go wrong. Here she even explains how this love, that was created between her and a hated enemy in two months, is actually stronger than the one she originally married over.

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Comment on Reading

Some assume that the purpose or goal of reading something is to read every word, in order. This may even be taken to mean subvocalizing every word. This view stinks of propriety and blind obedience. It has no use but to satisfy an external standard of what constitutes reading.

The true goal of reading something is to learn what ideas are in the document. How to best accomplish this should be approached with an open mind. In many cases, some of the words are not important. At times, some parts are best read more than once; even though that is not necessary in order to be able to say one has read it, it may be necessary in order for one to *understand* it.

Sometimes parts should be read out of order, or parts should be skipped. Sometimes it is most important to stop reading any words for a moment and recollect what the purpose of this section is, to better understand what one is reading.

Please read thoughtfully.

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Comments on Political Justice, Book 2, Chapter 2

I am reading Political Justice by William Godwin. Here is a summary of his position in book 2, chapter 2, followed by my comments, criticism, and improvements.

Godwin considers the maxim "that we should love our neighbour as ourselves". He likes the sentiment, but points out men are not equally valuable. Imagine a burning building with Fenelon, the illustrious Archbishop of Cambrai, and his valet, and only time to save one person? Who would hesitate to save Fenelon? This is not an unjust decision, because Fenelon will do more good works after being saved, and make important contributions that help society. He is a more valuable person. Godwin specifically mentions two ways people can be more valuable: being further above animals (more intelligent), and being more virtuous in terms of benefitting the public good.

Godwin discusses some objections, and in each case insists on impartial justice. For example, even if I am the valet, I should prefer Fenelon be saved over myself, because he is more valuable to the world. And if the valet is my brother, my father, or my benefactor, I might be tempted to save him, but I should not. What magic is there in the pronoun "my" to change what is right? Fenelon is more valuable, and thus it is better to save him.

Another objection is that I might owe the valet a debt of gratitude. Godwin acknowledges that this gratitude is important, because it comes from some benefit the valet bestowed upon me, which shows his value. However, the valet would be equally virtuous if he had done this service for someone else, so it should make no difference that he helped me personally. What matters is how valuable each person is impartially -- without giving special status to myself. And so Fenelon should still be saved; he is owed gratitude by more people.

Next, consider that we have seen proof of the good deeds of our personal benefactor, but we are ignorant of many of the good deeds performed elsewhere. Thus we might, out of ignorance, save a person we know personally, even if in fact he is less worthy. This, Godwin says, might excuse our error, but it would not make it less of an error. The truth of which person is more virtuous and should be saved is the same even if we are ignorant of it.

Godwin does give a reason to justify helping ourselves in life. It is that helping ourselves also helps the public good: we can accomplish more good if we live a long time in mental and physical health, so it is just to put effort and resources into maintaining those.

The main idea of the chapter is to live impartially. If my neighbor needs money that I have more than I do, for a better use, then I should give it to him. His right to it is just as complete as if I owed it to him for goods purchased. There is no room in a virtuous life for personal whim or fancy, or to give our favors; we should always seek only to take actions in accordance with impartial justice.

My Commentary

First, Godwin is correct that the truth of what would be best ideally is unaffected by our ignorance. However, there is also a truth of what is the best way for people to live, which is a more interesting and useful truth. The right policies for people to live by must take into account our imperfections and ignorance; we must live in a way that works well despite our ignorance, and which can handle our mistakes. One of the ways we can minimize errors is if we each individually focus our use of resources on areas where we have the most knowledge. That means using our efforts primarily to affect our own life, our friends and family, any area of expertise we have pursued, and our vocation. This is effective because when we apply resources to those areas, we best understand which projects and causes are going to work well, and which are mistaken. And we best understand which people are virtuous, and will make best use of any aid.

This approach does not guarantee a good distribution of wealth, resources, and effort. A poor distribution could result if a great many people know a lot about unimportant things, and don't know enough about important things. What they care about is skewed; their lives and knowledge focus on less valuable or significant things than they should. If that is the case, the solution is persuasion: persuade people to devote more thought and attention and resources to the most important areas. Show them why those areas are best. Demonstrate their merits with vigor and zeal. And then those areas will receive more attention, and projects in those areas will have more resources.

Second, I appreciate Godwin's strict adherence to impartiality. He takes it very seriously, and this is a great thing. However, there is perhaps an important reason to favor ourselves. It is that people are not set in stone: they can change and improve. And this will happen most if they have an optimistic attitude, and believe in themselves. So, I want to see people support their own dreams and aspirations. Consider a sport like baseball. None of the great players started at the top. And none of them got to the top by finding the best players and saying, "You are more valuable than me. I will do anything to help you." Instead they had self-respect. They worked to improve their own skill.

Third, the idea of their existing an objective, impartial, public good, which everyone should work towards, has a flaw. The flaw is: people disagree. This is related to the earlier comments about ignorance. While there is a truth of the matter about what would be best for everyone, we don't know it. We have to work with the knowledge that exists.

This leads to the question: what is a rational and just system for resolving disagreement and deciding which ideas are correct and which people are most deserving of resources for their projects?

The important issue here is that we do not suppress unpopular ideas. No one should be under pressure to abandon their idea -- which many consider bad and wasteful -- and to instead support a popular idea most people consider best. Instead they should be cheered on for trying out a new idea which might bear fruit. Or at least fully tolerated in their disagreement with popular opinion. The only reason projects should be ended is that everyone involved changes their mind -- either because they are presented with powerful arguments, or because in pursuing the project they learn more about it and decide it's a mistake.

This still leaves us to consider how resources be distributed. We don't want everyone working on bad ideas all the time, and we don't want any more resources than necessary wasted on mistakes. We want people with good ideas to have the most influence and choice over what the next projects are. In other words, we want a self-correcting system that distributes resources to the best projects while simultaneously allowing for unpopular ones.

We have a system like that! It's called the free market, or capitalism. The way it works is: people fund their own projects using their own resources. When they fail, they have less resources to use on future projects. When they succeed, they end up with more resources for future projects.

Who succeeds or fails isn't determined by some appointed judges (who might be biased). Instead, it is determined by the entire market which makes use of knowledge distributed among many, many people. And the market is able to produce an impartial answer even if each participating individual is biased. The way the market can do this is using a very good criterion for which projects succeed or fail, and thus which project participants have more resources for future projects.

The criterion is: do people want the results? If you make something people want (goods or knowledge) the market rewards you, and if you don't, it doesn't.

The market is not perfect. It can only operate using the knowledge people have, and not based on the ultimate truth of the matter. And worse, every project contains many different ideas. The author of an excellent book might end up poor because he choose an incompetent publisher. His lack of skill at choosing a publisher has nothing to do with how good his book is, but the market lumps them together.

Fortunately, there are solutions. If he believes the book is good despite its initial failure, he can try again: the market lets people try things as many times as they want to. And if he has good reasons to believe this, he can say them, and other people who agree can help him correct the error. And this brings us to the general solution: do the wrong people and projects have a lot of resources? Educate them, and they will redistribute those resources themselves to something better. All you have to do is spread knowledge of what is best -- share the truth -- and the world will reorganize itself accordingly.

In closing, I realize the idea that people can be persuaded of good ideas over personal self-interest is controversial. However, the possibility of doing so is one of the major themes of Political Justice. So Godwin, at least, would agree with me. And if you read his book, perhaps you will too.

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Correlation Study

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/healthy-marriage/MH00108

lol. the study talks about the health benefits of marriage. live longer, blah blah. correlation does not imply causation! for example:

maybe screwed up people have a harder time finding a spouse, *and* die younger. marriage and better health could really really easily be effects of an underlying cause, instead of one causing the other.

they don't even say it was a correlation study, or cite a source. they just try to say it's the scientific consensus, you can take it for granted that it is correct. that's disgraceful.

btw, you may be wondering: if they don't cite the study, or say how they reached the conclusion, then maybe it wasn't a correlation study? well, what else would it be? did they do a double blind trial where people don't know if they are married? :) what they will say they did is "take into account other factors" so that the only factor left is marriage/no-marriage. but how did they do that? they could control for people with similar diets, similar drug use, similar dangerous habits (sky diving, etc), and so on. but only the ones they think of. and have the budget for. not all possible things. no matter how many they control for, it still remains that they could have missed something subtle, and that correlation doesn't imply causation.

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book intros vs movie intros

a lot of books start slow. even very good books. (fiction books. stories.)

Atlas Shrugged and The Fountainhead are boring for 5-10 pages, maybe more. So is Speaker for the Dead. And not a lot happens in The Fellowship of the Ring for like 50 pages.

A lot of movies start with an action scene (or something else especially cool). like The Matrix or Transformers. then they have their first more mundane scene after the action scene gets your attention.

movies have it right. if you want an audience, give them something they'll really like as fast as possible. as fast as possible is not on page 20. you don't have to introduce all your characters before you can have a scene people like. just make something cool happen that isn't fully explained yet. then the more mundane character introducing scenes will be better! b/c they will now have the added purpose of explaining parts of the first scene.

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